Dan the Tactician with the Master Plans
by DarthMarth
Summary: Dan is no ordinary tactician. With his mysteriously obtained player's guide, he can do anything...except kill off that darned Marcus. This is my first fic ever, please R&R! The final chapter is up! Who will make it ut alive?
1. Chapter 1: Battle Preparations

Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s)

By DarthMarth

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_A Disclaimer:_ I don't own Fire Emblem, or any part of it. That's right, I don't even have the game and with only a few hours of experience playing a friend's cart, I'm able to write fanfics about it. :P Go me. I do, however, own my stories, so hands off.

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_Chapter the First-Battle Preparations

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Dan the tactician sat hunched over at his pine desk, intently studying his strategy manual. (Intently meaning both that he was absorbed and that he was alone in his tent)

He mumbled to himself as he read, sometimes repeating important lines over again, or just commenting. "Nintendo, I don't know who you are or how you know everything, but I owe you my life..."

With everything he needed to know at his fingertips in his official Fire Emblem player's guide, Dan had finished the tactical preparations for Cog of Destiny mission (as the guide called it-he didn't think the name made an ounce of sense) hours ago. To make sure everyone else didn't suspect anything, he had taken to gazing at the pictures of his female party members and seeing which one looked best. He had narrowed it down to Priscilla and Rebecca when an always-serious voice called at his tent door.

"Tactician Dan, everyone is ready and waiting for another of your amazing, seemingly clairvoyant plans!" Kent said from outside. Dan hurriedly stuffed the guide under his mattress, then went to the tent flap and met Kent.

"Okay, I'm ready," Dan said, slightly breathlessly. "So oblivious..." he muttered to himself.

"What was that, sir?"

"Shut up," Dan said. Kent's prying bugged him, especially since he was in a bad mood-he could tell immediately that chapter 27 was one of the hardest yet, and he'd wracked his aching brain for hours to come up with a plan. Soon, they arrived at the center of the camp, where everyone had gathered expectantly-except Sain, who was walking amongst the ladies of the camp, unsuccessful in his flirts as usual. Kent put his hand to his face and shook his head at his companion's behavior as Fiora slapped Sain hard. Dan stood on a crate the Paladin had set out for him and laid out his strategy.

"Okay, from what I can tell, there are three paths to the shrine from here. Each one is packed with enemy troops."

Marcus, his left leg still in a splint, shifted uneasily in his saddle. "Sir Dan, with all respect, could Sir Oswin or Lord Hector possibly act as a front guard in this engagement? I'm unfit for battle as of this moment, as you can plainly see."

Dan grew frustrated. He'd gleefully utilized Marcus' skill and strength to win engagements back at the beginning of his career with Eliwood, but after he'd failed to grow in strength at all, Dan had been trying to get him killed since chapter 13. So far, he'd failed every time, getting Marcus inordinate amounts of experience and several medals of bravery in the process. Regaining his composure, he continued. "Yes, I was getting to that. Marcus, you will ride unaided up the northwestern path and single-handedly crush the strongholds the enemies' main armor units are... suspected to be in."

Marcus managed not to say any one of hundreds of things he wanted to and just grumbled. "Will I at least get an anti-armor weapon, or an axe,like a Hammer?"

As ifto answer his question, Merlinussuddenly ran up to the gathering, right on schedule. "Dan, Dan! All of our axes have vanished!"

"Oh, that's too bad," Dan said, trying to sound remotely disappointed. The aging Paladin groaned and sunk lower in his saddle. Dan hoped he wouldn't see Bartre, now carrying at least a dozen various axes hung on his belt, giving him a thumbs-up to show the success of his plan.

Pausing to see this, Dan continued. "Heath, you'll take the Delphi Shield and fly over to the town on the other side of the western mountain range and alert the town there. Oh, and stop at the shops to pick up some staves and tomes while you're at it. Fiora and Florina, you'll be accompanying him to help dispose of the myrmidons they're sending-that is, suspected to have. About the ballistae, they probably won't hit you anyway." Young Florina flinched at the mention of the giant bows, and was unassuredly comforted by her also-nervous sister.

"Hector, Nino, Priscilla, Canas, Sain, and Erk will take the northern path and plow through the enemy's cavalry. Wil, Rebecca, and Lyn, you stay to the southeast and wait. Uh, something gonna happen there later. I honestly have no idea what. Eliwood, Ninian, you stand next to each other again doing nothing for a few dozen more turns-that is, a few hours." Grumbling at being ordered around like this, Eliwood was getting annoyed by Dan's last-ditch efforts to get an A support with him and Ninian, even with the promise of spending more time with her, but Dan was too busy wondering what their ending would be like to care.

Dan started wrapping up. "I...have reason to suspect that Lloyd, the White Wolf of the Four Fangs, is the leader of the troops here. Marcus will lead the preliminary charge, and Erk and Canas will team up on him after that. Let's move out!" With his closing words, everyone got up and left for their tents to prepare, Marcus muttering angrily to himself and glaring at the old, beat-up sword he'd been given, Florina practically trembling with fear, and Sain continuing to flirt, having already done his preparations by sleeping in his armor. Dan chuckled as he got slapped again by Rebecca, then went off to give some more last-minute instructions, hoping nervously that no one would get killed this time. No one besides stupid Marcus, anyway.

_Coming in Chapter 2: Can Marcus cheat death yet again? How far will Dan go to kill him? Is he sending Florina and Fiora to certain death? How awkward can things get with Eliwood and Ninian? And what will happen when Nino switches Canas' staves around?_

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**And that's the first chapter of my first fanfic ever! Please write some reviews (but no blatant flames) and tell me anything you thought could have been done better, or anything you liked.**

**...no one reads this part, do they?**

**Eliwood: And what's with having characters come in and say stuff?**

**Quiet, you. Go back next to Ninian.**

**Eliwood: I hate you.**


	2. Chapter 2: Marcus has an Adventure

Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s)

By DarthMarth

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_Chapter the Second-Marcus has an Adventure

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Marcus rode into battle with all the bravery he could muster (which wasn't much-he'd used most of his when he'd gotten his splint back in chapter 25), wincing at his leg as his horse trotted. He prayed fervently to Saint Elimine, hoping for another miracle to get him through this battle alive, and for Dan the tactician to be smote from the face of Elibe. If Marcus didn't know better, he'd almost swear Dan was out to kill him.

Ford the General sat on a rock in the pass, just outside the huge fortress he'd began the battle in. As he reflexively polished his massive suit of armor, he gazed keenly across the horizon for enemy troops. So far, nothing. Nothing at all. And then...

"Hey, look at this!" his comrade, Mercedes, exclaimed. "They're sending one guy! It's...it's that lucky Paladin Linus warned about!"

"Meh, let him come," another Knight, Chevrolet, answered. "He can't cheat death forever."

"Bwa ha ha!" laughed Volkswagon, the third Knight in the party. "He's just got a little sword! It's like he's trying to get killed!"

"You can say that again," Ford finally said, getting his Horseslayer and practicing some thrusts with it.

"Hurgh, with this stupid sword, they'll think I'm trying to get killed," Marcus grumbled to himself. Deciding to get it over with, he spurred his horse to a full gallop and charged at the armored infantry, who went into flanking formation, the General in front and three Knights around him. Trying to ignore the shooting pain in his leg, he raised his sword and yelled. The general twirled his lance-a Horseslayer, Marcus realized with dread-around him with incredible speed; a critical hit. This must be the end, Marcus thought. He closed his eyes and waited for his release from the torture Dan had been sending him into...

"This is the end!" Ford yelled as he brandished his lance, impressing even himself with his speed. As the Paladin came within a few meters, he thrusts the Horseslayer with all his strength...right through the horse's legs. This tripped it up, and sent the Paladin, now airborne, continuing forward...

Marcus could tell when the lance was thrust. Judging by the relative lack of pain, it has speared his poor horse, probably killing it instantly. Suddenly, he felt himself flying forward, leaving his horse behind, his arms flailing. Suddenly, he came to a stop. As he opened his eyes, he found himself clinging to the top of the General's massive armor, his sword going directly into one of the suit's eyeholes. Slowly, the armor tipped over backwards, hitting the rocky ground with a resounding _clang_. Through their helmets, he couldn't see the looks the three Knights were giving him, but they seemed surprised, to say the least. As he tried to remove the sword, it broke less than six inches from the hilt. Cautiously, the Knights began to advance...

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Dan watched Marcus' lucky moves from the hill with his telescope, growing angrier by the second. Currently, Marcus was hopping around one his good leg, uselessly swinging around his sword hilt. Then-curses!-one of the Knights clutched his chest and fell over. A sudden fatal heart attack! Dan let out an angry cry. 

"Why won't you die?" he yelled, hoping Marcus would hear him over the distance. He felt like his head would explode as Marcus managed to hop past a lance, grab the point, and drive the unnaturally sharp other end into another Knight's helmet.

"Something wrong, Sir Dan?" Eliwood called, glad for any relief from the extremely awkward moment he was having with Ninian, made even worse by how Lyn, Rebecca, and Wil were all pointing and laughing as they sat nearby, restringing their bows. Dan's face burned with rage as he stormed off, extremely annoyed.

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Mercedes was all alone. He backed up slowly as the Paladin hopped around, trying pathetically to seem menacing. He always knew Volkswagon should have let up on the pork ribs at lunch. "You may have beaten my comrades," he said cunningly, "but you didn't factor in my secret! I'm actually...a super-awesome Swordmaster!" As he said this, he undid the straps on his armor, revealing ornate robes and a gilded scabbard. 

Marcus gulped. He hasn't counted on a Swordmaster in disguise, especially a crazy one. With his leg, he didn't stand a chance of dodging. The Swordmaster began a series of dizzying flourishes and twirls, practically dancing around like a leaf in the wind while coming closer and closer. Suddenly, he stopped as his sword arm fell off, severed at the shoulder. "Oh, fudge," he muttered, looking down at his self-severed arm. When he looked up, the Paladin was already winding up for a mighty swing...

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"GAAAAAAH!" Dan screamed in anguish. Not even the crazy Swordmaster in disguise could kill him! Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he walked over and took Rebecca's bow, then took careful aim and fired. As the arrow flew, a Wyvern Rider flew into its path and got skewered through the head, falling to the ground dead. He wondered what Heath was doing still around now, but pushed it aside in his rage and nocked another arrow. He fired; the exact same thing happened again, a second Wyvern Rider falling down dead. Since when did Heath have a brother? He tried a third time; the exact same thing. What in St. Elimine's name... 

"Nice shots, sir!" Wil yelled. "Here come some more!" Completely frustrated, Dan tried to snap the stupid bow in half, but only sprained his wrist. Rebecca ran and took it as he lay on the ground fuming and clutching his wrist, and all three archers started to take down the Wyvern Riders that had begun to come. Someone must have crossed the dotted black line.

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Marcus stared at the strange dotted black line painted in the grass as he hopped past it, continuing his amazing trek towards the enemy fortresses. (_Yes, I'm aware that the line is behind the fortresses. He got lost. You try navigating a valley in the middle of a battle on one foot.) _So far, he'd dealt with three more bands of armor through various methods like getting two generals to impale each other with Armorslayers, turning one Knight and his girlfriend against each other, inducing two more fatal heart attacks with the disgusting butter in his rations, and good old-fashioned screaming like a little girl not to be killed.

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_Coming in Chapter 3: Will Marcus storm the fortresses single-handedly (more like single-leggedly) and survive? What's with that disgusting butter? Can the archers fend off the Wyvern Riders while continuing to make fun of Eliwood and Ninian? Does life hate Dan? Are there crazy Swordmasters-in-disguise among us? (looks around shiftily) And do I use way too many horizontal rules?

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**And that's Chapter 2! Coming up next time, we'll see what's going on with the two other groups! (Yes, I know I promised it this time. Get used to the stuff in italics making no sense.)**


	3. Chapter 3: Beware the Mages

Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s)

By DarthMarth

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_Chapter the Third-Beware the Mages

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Dan ran out of Merlinus' tent carrying several quivers and bows. He reached for a Killer Bow and immediately performed a critical, despite never having used a bow before today. (That's the magic of Killer weapons for you) He nocked and fired the arrow with a flourish, but once again a Wyvern Rider intercepted. As the rider fell to the ground with a feminine scream, Dan winced. He'd hoped to recruit Vaida.

"Nice shooting, Sir Dan!" Wil called. "You're a great archer!"

Dan got fed up with Wil's compliments and fired another arrow at him without even thinking, sure that a Rider wouldn't fly this low. He was right-a deer bounded out of nowhere and died instantly from it.

"Great, sir! That'll make a tasty dinner!"

Dan fell to the ground and screamed silently, in despair turned the bow around and fired at himself. The blunt end of the arrow, which he had somehow fired backwards, bounced off his shirt and hit another Rider; Wil cheered and Dan fumed off to plan his next move.

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The troops on the northern path fought furiously through legions of mounted Black Fang. Hector and Sain, both armed with anti-cavalry weapon, stormed through their front lines while the magic-users stood back and supported with spells and healing. Everything was going perfectly, until suddenly, Sain rode up with a spear sticking completely through his torso and coming out several feet on the other side. Miraculously, he still wasn't injured enough to stop with his usual charm. He spoke in as poetic a voice as he could with an impaled lung, pausing occasionally to discreetly cough up blood. 

"Fairest Priscilla, I fear I have suffered a most grave injury! But let it not be a trouble on thine fair brow! Thou shaltest suffer not for mine sake, and-"

"He's gone into full thespian mode!" Hector interrupted, running up, as Sain continued to spout Shakespeare. "I tried to stop him!"

Canas approached the crazy Paladin. "I can heal him," he said, raising his staff and charging it with green energy...wait, green? "This isn't right!" He exclaimed. No sooner had he done so that Sain was enveloped in a huge cloud of generic-looking smoke. When it cleared, a rabbit sat where Sain's horse had been with a frog sitting on top as though riding it. The spear clattered from where it had sat in Sain, still bloody, next to the bizarre pair, spooking them and sending the rabbit tearing off into the woods as the frog hopped around confusedly and croaked.

"What?" Canas exclaimed. "What happened to my Mend Staff?"

Priscilla rode up. "I have a Recover Staff; I can heal him...whatever happened." She raised the Recover Staff, which glowed blood red.

"A Berserk Staff?" Erk yelled just as the frog leaped directly at Canas' throat, croaking as ferociously as possible and licking his jugular.

Hector panicked and started running in circles. "AAAAAHHH! EVIL KILLER FROG!"

Canas followed suit. "Getitoffmegetitoffmegetitoff!" As he flailed around trying to remove Sain the frog, his staff glowed again and he was suddenly transformed into a purplish turtle. The frog started leaping at the turtle, trying to pounce on it, and bounced off the shell.

Hector ran up and grabbed Canas' staff. "Time to end this madness!" He snapped the staff like a twig over his knee, but as he did, it shone again and he turned into a blue dog, who immediately went crazy and tried to eat the turtle. The staff itself turned into two snakes and joined the melee.

"Oops..." Priscilla said embarrassedly, realizing she'd accidentally used her Berserk staff again. She put it away on her saddle, but it activated and affected her horse, which immediately started running around and bucking her off.

"This is madness!" Erk cried. "Wait, my Sleep Staff!" he pulled out his own staff and used it, firing an explosive blast that scattered the animals. "What?" He finally noticed Nino, who had been laughing her head off the whole time, and ran to her.

"This was your doing, wasn't it? Wasn't it?" He started to strangle her in anger at ruining their offensive, but she kept on laughing.

"You...should have...seen your face!" she managed in between hysterics. Erk strangled her tighter, getting even madder.

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"What?" Dan wondered as he watch the northern path. "I always thought those two Mages had a thing, but...making out now?" he shook his head. "And what's with those small, woodland animals they're hanging out with?" He turned back to his task at hand: killing Marcus with the massive ballista he'd been sitting on top of. He painstakingly turned the winch and tightened the bowstring. Grinning with malicious satisfaction, he fired, just as a sudden gust of wind came up...

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Florina wasn't sure whether to be terrified or thrilled. Their flight had been a safe one so, far, but equally nerve-wracking as ballista bolts longer than she was tall shot past them every few seconds. 

"Don't worry, sister!" Fiora said, flying up alongside her. "With those terrible shots they have at the ballistae and Heath absorbing all the shots for us, the enemy archers can't touch us!" They both looked at Heath, who somehow managed to deflect most of the bolts headed for them with a seemingly impenetrable, round shield. Suddenly, a ballista bolt came from the general direction of their own base, headed directly at Florina. She screamed with terror, but luckily it intercepted yet another Wyvern Rider that conveniently flew in front of it. "That was weird..." Fiora commented. "It seemed like it came from our base..."

"We're nearing the shops!" Heath called, swooping closer to the Pegasus sisters. "You stop there; I'll continue on to the town!" Fiora acknowledged this, and the Falcoknights swooped downward to the stores on the other side of the mountains while Heath kept going.

After at least a minute of stomach-turning dives, they came close to the store, but something strange was in front of them... "Oh, in Elimine's name..." Fiora trailed off. Extending at least 50 feet in front of the store was a line packed with people.

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Heath landed just inside the city walls and started looking for the mayor. The first person he asked claimed to be said person, but Heath gut-punched him for lying and continued. He finally found him sharpening his oversized, ribbon cutting scissors at an outdoor smithy; not the typical place to find a mayor. "Excuse me," he said, "but there's a battle going on near here, and I wanted to-" 

"You wanted THIS!" a young-looking Mage interrupted, walking up and pulling a gilded staff from his robes. "the Warp Staff, coolest and most useful of all staffs!"

"I believe that would be staves," the mayor answered. Turning back to Heath, he continued. "Now, about that battle-"

"WHATEVER!" the Mage yelled. "You want it, and you can't have it! Nya nya nya!"

Heath grew frustrated. "Look, I don't want-"

"SHUT IT! You'll never get it!"

Heath decided to take the staff just to teach the stupid brat a lesson and walked up to him.

"NEVER! I'm over here!" The Mage used the staff and teleported to the rooftop of an inn. "Or here!" He reappeared on a chimney across the street. "No, here!" Now he was perched on a fountain nearby. In a downright weird attempt to confuse Heath, he started teleporting rapidly. "Here here here here here here here he-" He stopped dead and collapsed, also dead. He'd teleported right onto Heath's lance.

"Weirdo," Heath muttered, taking the staff and leaving.

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Florina and Fiora continued their wait. The line had barely moved at all, and all they'd gotten to do was see someone walk out every few minutes carrying a bundle of staves tied up like firewood. Fiora went up to a mage standing in front of them. "Excuse me," she asked, "what are all these people doing here in the middle of a battle?" 

"They aren't gonna stop buying the new Money Staff for anything!" the mage replied. "I've been in line for days, but it's been worth it!"

"Days? What is this Money Staff?"

"It's pure genius. They make 'em with one use to conjure up one more Gold than they cost." The mage indicated a man walking out of the shop carrying a cheaply decorated staff. Without hesitation, he used it, creating a small pile of gold in front of him. Laughing with joy, he pocketed it, tossed the old staff away, and eagerly got in line behind the sisters to buy more. As he did, the mage continued. "I've been through the line five times already. I'll be rich...eventually."

Fiora sighed, disgusted. This was going to be a long, long wait.

_Coming in Chapter 3: What will Erk do to Nino for completely wrecking their offensive? Can Dan ever hit his actual target? Will the Pegasus Sisters ever make it through the line? And what was with that crazy mage. Anyway?

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**That's chapter 3! Coming up next time: revenge of the small woodland animals!**


	4. Attack of the Small Woodland Animals

Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s)

By DarthMarth

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_Chapter the Fourth-Attack of the Small Woodland Animals

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The Pegasus duo continued to wait. The line had barely moved in three hours, mostly because of people budging in front, too eager for more Money Staves to wait.

"This is ridiculous..." Fiora muttered to herself. Florina, intimidated by all the men standing next to her in line, said nothing. Suddenly, they saw a large shape momentarily fly across the sun. "It's Heath!"

The Wyvern Lord swooped down next to them, eliciting angry yells from people who had to move to accommodate his Wyvern. He started at the line in its entirety for several seconds, then looked back at the sisters. "What in Elimine's name is going on here?

Fiora sighed. "That's just what I said. Everyone's in line for some new hyper-addictive Money Staff."

"Whoah, I could use a few of those..." Heath murmured, beginning to daydream until Fiora gave him an angry glare. "Oh, right, I got a new staff that might help us get inside!"

Fiora was surprised. "You do? Wait, how can you use a staff?"

"Meh, Nino taught me all about how to use staffs."

"I believe it's 'staves'," Fiora corrected.

Heath looked completely puzzled. "Staves?"

Fiora sighed again. "I have a bad feeling about this..." Ignoring her, Heath raised the staff and used it...

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Erk and Nino fought on and on, using some of her trick staffs-no, staves like two-handed swords. Erk yelled at her through clenched teeth, enraged. "You...ruined...everything!"

Nino comically imitated his speech, struggling not to burst into giggles. "No...I...made...it...better!" Made even angrier by this, Erk ran at her with his staff raised above his head, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"_AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" _With all of his 4 strength (I hate RNG screwage), Erk brought the staff down on Nino's head. Luckily, she blocked with her own staff and godly 19 strength, causing Erk's to break. As it did, it activated and conjured up another generic cloud of white smoke. (Heretofore referred to as a GCoWS)

"Yay, maybe he'll be a puppy!" Nino exclaimed. As the G-Cow cleared, Erk was revealed as...a massive purple lion. "Eep." Nino could have sworn that a malicious grin slowly spread across the lion's face just before it pounced...

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The flying units reappeared, minus their mounts at a not-so-comfortable altitude of 20,000 feet. After all three managed to scream their lungs out, Fiora turned to Heath and yelled at him at the top of her lungs to get past the wind.

"I told you I had a bad feeling about this!"

"Yeah! I'll never take staff lessons from someone who uses them as drumsticks again!" Fiora slapped her forehead and took the staff.

"Give me that! I can use it better than you!" She held the staff out again, and all three disappeared...

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"What?" Dan exclaimed as he watched the strange purple lion that had appeared out of nowhere maul Nino to death. He looked down at his Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance player's guide. "Since when is there a purple beast laguz?" He turned back to the special-issue catapult he'd been sitting on. With the winch already wound, he pulled a lever and sent dozens of rocks flying at Marcus.

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Marcus hopped around the base of the fortress, dodging arrows and burning oil, inducing heart attacks, liver failure, or anything else he could come up with on enemy units, and hacking away at the fortress wall with his shattered sword. "I hate Dan, I hate Dan, I hate Dan," he chanted in time with his hopping. Above his head, dozens of rocks slammed into the wall, causing it to collapse and revealing several scared-looking armored units behind. "Whoah."

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After Dan finished kicking the catapult and breaking his toes angrily, he decided to finish things hand to hand...one on one...mano a mano, whatever. He ran to Merlinus' tent again and, grabbing several various deadly swords, ran out towards Marcus. As he ran past the archers, he hurriedly made final arrangements.

"OkayWilyou'rethenewtacticiandon'tletanyoneexceptmarcusdieIgottagobye!"

Wil stared at Dan as he ran off. "Oo...kay..."

Nearby, Eliwood finally broke the awkward silence. "So, um..." He fell into the huge pit he'd dug in the ground with his toe, then climbed out and continued. "Uh...nice weather today...huh?"

After a long pause, Ninian replied. "Uh...yeah..."

Wil yelled at them from his hill. "Boo! Lamest A-level support ever!" The archers looked at him. "What fourth wall?" He turned back to the Lord and Dancer. "Start makin' out or something! I command you, as your new tactician!"

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The flyers reappeared this time facing down a 50-foot dinosaur. (!) All three of got screaming their lungs out out of the way, then Heath took his turn to yell at Fiora.

"You just HAD to send us to the stuffed beast museum, didn't you?"

"Sorry..." Fiora replied sheepishly. Without saying anything, Florina took the Warp Staff and used it.

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Priscilla struggled to rein in her still-berserk pony as it charged forward, frothing and neighing furiously. She shielded her eyes as the pony dismembered several enemy horses with its teeth and apologized to them.

"Sorry! It's me horse, he's..." She trailed off as her mount charged past the dying cavaliers and continued towards another group. Nearby, Sain the frog rode on his rabbit, doing the frog impression of a rallying cry. Hector the dog and Canas the turtle also attacked ferociously with teeth and claws. From behind, a lion roared and instantly killed a soldier with a pounce.

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"Sweet, killer animals to the rescue!" Will exclaimed, peering at the carnage though Dan's spyglass. He continued his running commentary as Lyn and Rebecca, bored out of their minds, tried to ignore him. "And Hector the dog goes straight for the jugular! Ooh, that's gotta hurt!" He did a pathetic impression of a cheering crowd, then instantly resumed. "Sain the frog does a tag-team-tongue move with Canas-there go that man's eyes! And Erk the lion-game, set, and match! Woooo!"

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Finally, Florina, Fiora, and Heath appeared in the shop. Heath looked at Florina. "How did _you_ do that?"

"Um, Bartre taught me. He really knows a lot about staves."

"I never would have guessed..." Heath said to himself. "Okay, let's see, my shopping list..." He pulled out a large bag from his belt. He fumbled to undo a triple-knot he'd tied on the drawstring and pulled another bag out from inside it.

"I have a bad feeling about this..." Fiora said, again.

"It's in here somewhere..." Heath replied determinedly.

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Sain the frog was a killing, croaking machine. Ribbiting ferociously, he jumped to a man's neck and killed him by wrapping his tongue around his neck. Croaking, he jumped 10 feet to another man and repeated the process. With all the cavalry defeated, he managed to jump onto terrified Priscilla's shoulder and did the best flirting a frog could manage, trying to croak out some compliments while she was too busy hanging on for dear life to protest. Some things never change.

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Another hour and 23 bags later, Heath finally pulled a small sheet of paper out of a tiny bag.

"Let me see!" Fiora exclaimed, running up and looking at the list.

"Oh, it's my to-do list..." Heath commented.

Fiora looked at the list, hoping the items to buy were on it. They weren't; the only three things left unchecked were "Make out with Florina," "Make out with Florina again," and "Elope with Florina."

Said person walked up to the two and tried to get a view of the list. "Can I see it?" Protecting her little sister's fragile mind, Fiora hastily grabbed the paper, crumpled it up, and stuffed it in her mouth, trying not to look disgusted. The two others both gave her shocked looks.

"So..." Fiora said uneasily with her mouth full of paper and ink. "Let's get shopping!"

_Coming in Chapter 4: What has Marcus been up to? Are Sain the frog, Hector the dog, and the rest deadlier than their human counterparts? Does Nino know anything about staff-staves? Does Heath need a better organizational system? Is Wil a terrible tactician and worse commentator?_

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**Aaaaand that's chapter 4! Sorry if it was a little boring, but the next one will make up for it Please R&R!**

**Eliwood: What about Marcus? We barely saw any of him!**

**Oh, that's right; next chapter is all about Marcus!**

**Eliwood: Riiiight.**

**Seriously, it is. And shut up, your A-level support was the worst ever!**

**Eliwood: I really do hate you.**

**I know. Go back in the hole you dug.**


	5. Chapter 5: Marcus Levels Up

Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s)

By DarthMarth

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_Chapter the Fifth-Marcus Levels Up

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_

Marcus finally finished knocking the last brick of the fortress loose and rode off. (He'd been smart enough to raid the armory and stable) Wielding a Silver Axe, he was now easily superior to the Knights and Archers he was mowing through. He switched to a Killer Lance every once in a while to dispatch a Myrmidon, and made steady progress toward the Shrine of Seals. They were actually _running_ from him, the cowards, screaming their little head off, no less. Maybe the fact that he'd fallen into the latrine twice while destroying the fortress had something to do with it, but oh well.

"Finally, things are going well," he said to himself while dismembering a General. As he continued his northward progress, he easily mowed some strangely-colored woodland animals down and put a crazy horse out of its misery. Oh well.

* * *

Dan's vision turned red from his intense hatred. He was so angry, his skin was turning red from internal bleeding caused by high blood pressure. Every dismembered corpse he passed by made him madder. _Why would he not die?_ Clutching a Silver Blade in both hands, he sped up, sprinting after the accursed Paladin and screaming. _What would it take to kill him?

* * *

_

"What will it take to buy this Pure Water?" Florina asked, holding up a sparkling vial.

"900 gold, sis. Read the price tag," Fiora answered.

Heath walked up, carrying several dozen Silver Blades. "Buy a few dozen. We could need them."

Fiora grew annoyed. "Don't you remember our budget? We only have a few thousand gold!"

Heath scoffed. "Meh, it's okay. It's 99 percentoff day!" he pointed to a sign saying so through a mass of people clustered around the Money Staves.

"Oh? Perfect!" Fiora ran off and started looking at high-end lances as Florina scooped up as many Pure Waters as she could carry. Nearby, the cluster of people moved, revealing the number 0 and a decimal point in front of the announcement...

* * *

"Dun dun dun!" Wil exclaimed. With the disappointing deaths of his furry (and scaly, and slimy) entertainment, he'd taken to making Eliwood and Ninian's predicament as interesting as possible, oblivious to Rebecca and Lyn's snoring and holding a dagger like a microphone. "That's serious points off for Eliwood for that burp! Ooh, tough luck! And herecomesNinianshe'sgonnasaysomething-ooh, and she decides not to! Ouch! This is the most exciting war of words I've ever seen, folks, and it's far from over!" A snore escaped Eliwood's lips.

* * *

With one more deadly charge, Marcus finished the last of the Archers and rode up to the Shrine of Seals. Standing several dozen feet away was Linus. 

"So, you've finally made it," Linus remarked. "I should have known it'd be you."

"I guess word of my luck has spread," Marcus said, shrugging.

"Time to die, Linus-style!" he drew his Light Brand and prepared to attack.

"That was seriously lame," Marcus commented, spurring his stolen mount to charge. As he did, Linus held the Light Brand above his head and yelled. The sword shone blindingly and charged with power. Marcus braced for a devastating magical attack, but slowed to a stop in front of Linus as it never came, shielding his eyes. "Is that all it does?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Linus admitted. "It's not even very sharp, either. Lloyd said something about my 'weapon level' not being high enough to use it right, but I think he was just messing around."

"This is boring." Putting Linus out of his pathetic misery, Marcus raised the Killer Lance high and skewered him.

Linus collapsed, not standing up to the injury nearly as well as Sain, and uttered his last words. "Remember me...for my singing voice..."

"Whatever," Marcus mumbled. Suddenly, a perfectly square section of tile he'd been standing on shook and rose from the ground. He was leveling up. Heroic music came from nowhere (that part always confused him) and he felt himself get stronger...oh, wait, he felt nothing. The music faded and he floated back down, feeling tired.

* * *

Dan screamed again. _Another_ no-stat level-up! He'd wanted to level Canas up against him, but that idiot Paladin already killed him! He raced up the steps to the Shrine three at a time and screamed even louder continuously as he charged at Marcus, holding the Silver Blade high above his head.

* * *

Marcus heard a primal, agonized scream just before he turned to see Dan dashing up the stairs behind him. Upon seeing his would-be killer, all his hatred towards the Tactician and his Marcus-killing schemes rose to the surface. Marcus bellowed almost as loudly and charged directly at Dan.

* * *

"And what's this?" Wil asked rhetorically to his sleeping audience. Merlinus had come out to watch the fun, but was now slumped next to Eliwood and Ninian, fast asleep. "Our former Tactician is locked in an epic duel with his nemesis, the Paladin Marcus!" In between his words, Wil pathetically hummed some epic-sounding battle music. "Oh-oh-oh, Dan has done a furious jump attack and unhorsed Marcus, here he comes! Hold onto your hats, people, this could get grisly!"

* * *

Marcus struggled to his good foot as Dan charged at him, ferociously swinging his Silver Blade around. He barely managed to block with his Killer Lance and hopped backward, twirling it like a staff in preparation for a critical. He thrust the spear forward with incredible force and his incredible 17 strength, but powered by pure rage, Dan hefted his massive Silver Blade unnaturally quickly and parried. Taking advantage of Marcus' overextended arm, Dan raced up and delivered a devastating kick to his groin...or his greaves. 

"Gah...stupid...maxed-out...defense!" Dan yelled, holding his foot and mimicking Marcus' hopping. The two crippled combatants both got running...er, hopping starts and circled each other. "I hate you!" Dan screamed. "Why won't you die?"

Marcus replied, equally mad. "I hate you more! Why do you try to kill me?"

"BECAUSE YOU SUCK!" Dan hopped over 5 feet in the air on his one foot and brought the Silver brand down in a huge, cleaving blow...

* * *

Florina, Fiora, and Heath flew back to base, completely laden with healing items, lances, tomes, staves, swords, and virtually everything else imaginable. Heath could barely contain the joy at the great deal they'd received. "Boy, with all this awesome stuff we got, Dan won't mind being sent the bill at all!" 

"Funny..." Fiora said to herself. "I get the feeling I'm interrupting something really important..."

* * *

Marcus barely managed to bring his Killer Lance up in time to block Dan's latest strike, and even then, it snapped his weapon in two like a twig. However, Dan, fell backward after landing awkwardly from his latest attack and dropped his Silver Blade. He drew another sword-the Regal Blade. 

"Hey, you can't get that until the last chapter!" Marcus exclaimed. He still held the two fragments of the Killer Lance in his hands; the broken ends were arguably even sharper than the original point.

"You read my strategy guide?" Dan said as he rolled to the side and leapt to his feet. "DIE!"He twirled the powerful sword like a...twirly thing (Darned writer's block) and wound up for a critical. Marcus brought the lance fragments in front of himself in a doomed block as the whirling Tactician of death came ever closer...

_Coming in Chapter 4: Who will win in the epic duel of Paladin vs. Tactician? How did Dan get his Regal Blade? What will he do when he has to pay hundreds of thousands of gold...minus a 0.99 percentdiscount? Does _anyone_ listen to Wil?

* * *

_

**That's the end of chapter 5! Sorry if it's shorter, but this is the first real battle I've written; please R&R!**

**Eliwood: Aren't you forgetting something?**

**No, shut up and listen to Wil.**

**Eliwood: Seriously, what was the very last thing ZB wrote?**

**I have no idea. Leave me alone.**

**Eliwood: Come on, what happens?**

**Don't make me kill you too. Wait and find out! (I promise the final chapter will be up before I leave for Thanksgiving)**


	6. Final ChapterFight

Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s)

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Final-Fight

* * *

_

Dan continued to scream his head off in rage as he twirled his Regal Blade around for the sweetest, deadliest, most awesome critical hit the world had ever known. He screamed, screamed, and screamed some more, and after he finished, he screamed again because he felt like it. Then he took up yelling. After a good 5 minutes of racing around Marcus screaming/yelling, he keeled over, out cold from oxygen deprivation.

Marcus seized his opportunity and attacked with both halves of his broken Killer Lance. However, his luck was against him; Dan quickly came to and sprang to his feet, deflecting both attacks with brilliantly fast attacks. Realizing his lance fragments were too short to do any good, Marcus rolled around the Shrine in perfect military form to save time on his broken leg, dodging Dan's Regal Blade strike, and grabbed his discarded Silver Blade.

"DIEDIEDIE!" Dan screamed as he did another jumping attack. Marcus hefted the massive weapon up and blocked with ease, then quickly twirled around and performed a two-handed horizontal slash. Having overextended with his enraged jump attack, Dan stumbled backward as Marcus' Blade slammed into his shoulder, sending him sprawling across the Shrine and making his left arm useless. Now one-handed and one-legged, he switched to a faster hopping method, keeping Marcus busy with swift slashes and thrusts while trying to get past his Silver Blade. After a while, he spun around to wind up for an especially powerful two-handed slash that Marcus barely managed to block; it's power and the Regal Blade's incredible sharpness actually sliced through Marcus' sword lengthwise and left him with half a sword, heavy and single-edged with an angular point. Bizarrely, he'd just given Marcus the sword of Cloud from Final Fantasy VII. "Oh, of all the-"

Emboldened by his awesome new weapon, Marcus struck back, matching Dan's speed and driving him backward with multiple hacks and slashes. He soon drove Dan into a corner, where he had trouble even blocking with his limited space. Marcus brought the half-blade behind his back and brought it down with a tremendous yell...right into the wall above Dan's head. "Nooooo!" He yelled, just as Dan thrust his Regal Blade through Marcus' torso.

"HAH! Finally!" Dan yanked his sword out and kicked Marcus backward, waiting for him to finally die. Miraculously, he got back up to his feet and stood, seemingly unimpeded. "WHAT? Curse you!"

"That stab only took off 22 of my 40 HP! It makes no difference!" Marcus continued his attack as though nothing had happened.

"I hate you!" Dan renewed his assault with incredibly furious strikes that eventually forced Marcus to drop his half-blade. He spun around and slices directly through Marcus' neck with a two-handed blow, leaving him... unharmed. "WHAT? Curse this infernal hit detection!"

"Next time play on the north server...wait, what?" As Dan's attacks lagged through Marcus, he retrieved his blade and actually managed to yell louder, doing a spin-attack a la Link that drove Dan back against a wall.

"Curse your video game-type attacks!" Marcus used the weight of his weapon for a crushing vertical slash, but Dan parried and deflected the attack, then dashed around behind Marcus and slashed his armor off, also a la Link.

"Hurgh!" Marcus gave a distinctly Darknut-like yell and did a jumping attack, but Dan dodged to the side of the vertical blow and took Marcus' head off with an upward slash.

"HAH-HAH! Finally!" Dan fell to his knees and started laughing more maniacally than ever, but Marcus' disembodied head continued talking.

"Hah! That decapitation only took off 12 of my remaining 18 HP! I am unharmed!" His headless body dashed over and grabbed the sword, then continued attacking. Now rid of Marcus' thick head, the body jumped clear over Dan and stabbed him in the back, doing less damage than it could with its half-blade.

"Argh! Why...won't...you...DIE?" Dan screamed and his head off yet again. He started attacking even faster, eventually getting past the body's guard and running it through the torso.

"Ugh, that did it," Marcus groaned as his eyes closed and his body fell over, finally dead.

"Yeees! Hah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Dan laughed manically while doing a victory dance around the Shrine, waving his Regal Blade like a maniac.

* * *

"ASTOUNDING!" Will cried, causing everyone to wake up groggily and look around to see what the cause for the noise was. Of course Wil, using a telescope to watch Dan's victory, was the only one who could see, so he filled everyone in as pathetically as usual. "Dan finally triumphs over the seemingly indestructible colossus Marcus! The crowd goes wild!" He did an imitation of another cheering crowd that was, if possible, even worse than his first. "Oh-oh-oh, and here comes ultimate cool-guy Wil doing a victory lap for no apparent reason! The crowd goes wilder!" He did the imitation again, as loudly as possible.

"I'm gonna go back to sleep," Eliwood muttered, leaning against Ninian who also slumped over.

* * *

The three flyers, all heavily laden with their great deals, swooped down to Dan, who was still laughing his head off in dark triumph. The Pegasus sisters flinched momentarily at the sight of the carnage that had taken place, but didn't say anything.

"What happened here?" Heath ventured.

"My ultimate victory over that experience-hog! Yes! Oh yes!" He continued to do his victory dance as the others stared.

"Okay...well, I bet you'll be even happier when you see how much we paid for all this great stuff!" Heath handed Dan the bill, grinning ear to ear.

"0.99 percent discount?" Dan fumed. "GAAAAAARGH!" He cried out in even greater rage at the three idiotic shoppers for a good 20 or 30 seconds, enough for his scream to echo through the entire valley. Finally, as he turned blue from oxygen deprivation, his head exploded from pure anger.

"Whoah...that was weird," Heath commented. They got back on their mounts and flew back to base.

Wil watched Dan's final, literal explosion from his safe distance. "Sweet, I'm the new tactician forever! Now you all have to, like, be my wives or something! Except you, Eliwood."

The Lord stirred. "Huh...what?"

_And so, with its Tactician, most of its Mages, two Paladins, and a Lord gone, Eliwood's elite continued its trek across Elibe to protect the Sacred Stone...sorry, wrong game. Well, it did whatever it was doing, with Wil as its new Tactician. After reading the Tactician's charter, he realized with disappointment that his didn't get any wives. And then, suddenly, Jaffar made a startling new revelation about his heritage..._

Jaffar: ...

* * *

**Aaaand that's the last chapter! Please R&R! How was the massive final battle scene? Don't worry, I'm planning on a sequel/prequel/both!**

**Wil: Come on, seriously, don't I at least get a girlfriend?**

**Nope. You're a terrible Tactician.**

**Wil: No I'm not.**


End file.
